Pas De Deux.

If you're lucky, you get to watch a movie that shakes you. I mean really grabs you by the sternum and gives you a sound thump. I can safely say I'm a fan of Darren Aronofsky and his films. While I've yet to see "The Wrestler" I have seen and enjoyed the rest.

Enter "Black Swan".

I had been looking forward to this movie for some time now, ever since I heard of its release. The subject matter seemed thoroughly dense and enjoyable, and the story itself would be nothing short of thought provoking, as is Mr. Aronofsky's way. I treated myself to a movie this afternoon of Christmas Eve. I went, by myself out to the nearby theatre and sat myself down in a nearly empty room.

While I won't bore you with a plot synopsis, I will try and give you some what of a framework so you know what it is I'm talking about.

In "Black Swan", the main character Nina is a talented ballet dancer. For years she has be aching to be the lead in a production. She gets her break when the former prima ballerina retires. She is cast as the White Swan and as the Black Swan in an avante garde production of Swan Lake. As the movie progresses and the stress involved with mastering the role and getting in touch with herself takes its toll. She begins to hallucinate, and feels as though she is being tricked by the new dancer, Lily (played by Mila Kunis).

The movie itself was unique, in that it wasn't a moral tale with a happy ending. It was intense, bleak and ruthless. Aronofsky is known for making very dark movies that really test the limits of human emotion and endurance. What was really spectacular about "Black Swan" was the way it reminded me of a 1998 movie from Japan called "Perfect Blue". In "Perfect Blue" we are introduced to the character Mima (coincidence?). She is part of a girl group called "CHAM", but she has her sights set on acting. She is given an opportunity to act, but like "Black Swan" this opportunity is fraught with emotional turmoil. She begins to hallucinate that she is being followed by her pop idol self.

While there are many comparisons to be made, it's worth seeing both movies. They show different sides of the fame monster and it's really chilling to think about what actors and actresses have to deal with in order to be famous. It's no wonder that we lose so many of them to addictions or mental disorders. They are constantly pushed and pulled, kneaded like dough. Eventually the dough breaks down and won't hold any shape any longer.

I would like to sit down with a group of like-minded individuals and watch both "Black Swan" and "Perfect Blue". In fact after a little bit more digging I've learned that Darren Aronofsky actually owns the rights to "Perfect Blue" which he bought for a song. He replicated one of the scenes in a previous movie "Requiem for a dream", seen below.



So the fact that "Black Swan" and "Perfect Blue" share so many similarities may be more than just coincidence. I don't find that this detracts from "Black Swan" in any measurable way. I'm of the thinking that if you get a remake of something and it's as good, or better than you've been treated to something special twice.

Is imitation flattery, or simply lazy?

And All The Kings Horses.

Well, I did it. First semester of college finished and I did pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. There's been an obvious void in my posting, and there's several reasons behind that.

First off, I was busy. Not so busy that I couldn't sit down and write a post, but busy enough that I didn't feel like I wanted to. That was really the only thing holding me up, my desire to post something. Secondly, school kept my brain fairly occupied so I didn't find myself stewing over thoughts like I have before. That's probably a good thing, because on the whole I've been happier now than I have been in a long while. Finally, school has provided me with outlets both for writing and for connecting with others on an emotional level. I'm still single, but that's okay. I've made some very good friends these past few months.

I still find myself overwhelmed emotionally some days. I show up at school fairly grumpy, looking to pick a fight. I feel kind of listless because while school is going great, aspects of my social life are still a bit under developed. It's not so much that I want to be in a relationship, but I still find myself resentful of people in relationships and women in general, really. It's actually helped me in school stay focused on the task at hand because I'm not busy worrying about girls. One of my new friends, Dan has a habit of commenting on the girls at college. I listen to what he has to say, but I look at it like this, "You don't show a man in the desert dying of thirst a vending machine filled with water when he has no change in his pockets." Having the variety of girls pointed out to me is about as beneficial as buying roller blades for a paraplegic.

Today Dan and his sister-in-law (sort of, long story) came with me as I ran a few errands around town. It gave us an opportunity to chat casually and I realized that though I am a talker I prefer to listen to Dan and Lesley. They are people that I want to know more about. I want to know every little thing that's going on in their head. Dan's much more vocal than Lesley is, but I feel like I know Lesley better. Dan always has his walls up so it's hard to get in most of the time.

Things with mom have slowly been degrading, but I don't know what else I was to expect on that front. It's just day by day with her.

I can't really sit here and write right now. I'm anxious. Very anxious. I've been neglecting my medication lately and it's been starting to show. I spend most of my time up in my head thinking, ruminating, obsessing. It doesn't outwardly show, I know that much. All it does is serve to frustrate and anger me.

Back to the pills I go.