And All The Kings Horses.

Well, I did it. First semester of college finished and I did pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. There's been an obvious void in my posting, and there's several reasons behind that.

First off, I was busy. Not so busy that I couldn't sit down and write a post, but busy enough that I didn't feel like I wanted to. That was really the only thing holding me up, my desire to post something. Secondly, school kept my brain fairly occupied so I didn't find myself stewing over thoughts like I have before. That's probably a good thing, because on the whole I've been happier now than I have been in a long while. Finally, school has provided me with outlets both for writing and for connecting with others on an emotional level. I'm still single, but that's okay. I've made some very good friends these past few months.

I still find myself overwhelmed emotionally some days. I show up at school fairly grumpy, looking to pick a fight. I feel kind of listless because while school is going great, aspects of my social life are still a bit under developed. It's not so much that I want to be in a relationship, but I still find myself resentful of people in relationships and women in general, really. It's actually helped me in school stay focused on the task at hand because I'm not busy worrying about girls. One of my new friends, Dan has a habit of commenting on the girls at college. I listen to what he has to say, but I look at it like this, "You don't show a man in the desert dying of thirst a vending machine filled with water when he has no change in his pockets." Having the variety of girls pointed out to me is about as beneficial as buying roller blades for a paraplegic.

Today Dan and his sister-in-law (sort of, long story) came with me as I ran a few errands around town. It gave us an opportunity to chat casually and I realized that though I am a talker I prefer to listen to Dan and Lesley. They are people that I want to know more about. I want to know every little thing that's going on in their head. Dan's much more vocal than Lesley is, but I feel like I know Lesley better. Dan always has his walls up so it's hard to get in most of the time.

Things with mom have slowly been degrading, but I don't know what else I was to expect on that front. It's just day by day with her.

I can't really sit here and write right now. I'm anxious. Very anxious. I've been neglecting my medication lately and it's been starting to show. I spend most of my time up in my head thinking, ruminating, obsessing. It doesn't outwardly show, I know that much. All it does is serve to frustrate and anger me.

Back to the pills I go.