Talk [Sic] Friends.

We've all had them, those friends who live on the misfortune of others and the world around them. Okay perhaps that'd a bit melodramatic, but what I mean to say is there are those friends who rarely have anything constructive to add to a conversation, and seek only to vamp the life in a room. It's hard to say if they do it intentionally, although I can imagine some do. It's almost like an aura, a presence that lingers over them like cigarette smoke. In my life I've probably had less than a handful of friends like this, as I'm usually very careful who I choose to hangout with.

Often times this personality type can be very hard to notice, as they are often hidden within a seemingly normal outer shell. It's when you get to know these people better that you become trapped in their hazardous nature. A lot of magazines have covered this topic before, and the exact definition of a toxic friend is somewhat abstract. For me, it can be defined in a few ways.

1. Does the person use emotional blackmail (knowingly or unknowingly) against you? For example, do they say things like "I don't trust men because I was abused as a child". You may wonder how this can be blackmail, but it's really quite simple to understand. People who actually use phrases like that in the company of men are searching for a way to make you feel guilty and become beholden to them. If you are a good guy, they will trust you and you can win their favour. Why this is important isn't always immediately noticeable, but such is the lure of the toxic friend that you go along for the ride anyways. Now that example did have a female angle to it, but similar situations can be applied to male friends as well. A statement that outwardly indicates a degree of mental instability with no regard for how these statements make others feel is a sign of a toxic friend. If they proclaim their manic depression, or suicidal tendencies, or desire to burn things they are effectively telling you that should they hit a low of some kind, it's your fault for not "helping" them. This isn't to say that these people don't deserve help, but they don't always get to have a close nit group of stable friends. Such is the nature of mental illness, in that it is perhaps more insipidly destructive than is immediately noticeable.

2. They make requests of you that you feel required to comply with, without adequate compensation. Toxic friends will often take advantage of the good nature that many people have. Requests for drives, money, food, solace, housing, etc. all because they know they can get it. If they're female they can and do often play up that angle. For men it's more about a sense of entitlement. As their friend, we should be so lucky to spend time with them that a drive out of our way is really payment in itself. Again, this isn't always a conscious decision these people are making. It's just how they've got to understand the world and function within it.

3. They make you regret decisions you make in regards to them. If you do something that's deemed hostile towards them, they find a way to make you regret it. This can be as extreme as a suicide attempt, to as minor as pouting and being childish. In a society of adults, we have no room for this manner of impudent behaviour. It wouldn't fly in a place of work, nor should it be acceptable amongst friends. I've seen people react this way and when you're in the thick of it, the immediate response is often to fix the solution. We tend to overlook the underlying revenge being laid upon us because we're too busy trying to backpedal over what we did or said. This one in particular is an issue in couples where one of them is toxic, and because of matters of the heart their significant other tends to look the other way.

There's variations within those rules, and tangents which they all have extending from them, but those are really the basics in my opinion. Often times the hardest fact to deal with is how to cut these people out of your life. The sensible and sensitive part of you resists because you fear they may lash out in some manner when you extract them from your life. Often times this is a scenario which doesn't come to pass. Toxic people are first and foremost survivors, and they will continue to thrive without you. They will find other people to attach themselves to in order to go on. They will blow a lot of smoke, but in the end we rarely risk any actual incidents happening. In the case of the truly unstable, it might be suggested that they seek legitimate counselling or therapy in order to deal with their issues.

We all have issues, I don't want that fact to be ignore in the face of this rant, but it's how we deal with those issues that makes us toxic or not. As an example, these past two years haven't been particularly kind to me in a lot of ways. It's been bumpy, to be sure, but the manner in which I've handled them should be recognized. I have not played the guilt game on my friends, I did not request free drives to places only I wanted to go. In situations where a drive was offered I would try to find a way to compensate my friends as I know gas isn't cheap. When it came to my auto-immune disorder I didn't make it so the world owed me anything. We're all dealt a hand in life, and every once in a while you're dealt a dud. Some people are not equipped to handle these situations and lash out. All I'm trying to say is take a moment and reflect upon your behaviour and the behaviour of those around. Take stock of your place in life and reflect on how things could be, and how they are.

We are never so fortunate as when we recognize those less fortunate than us, and so long as there is war and famine we in Canada are never so bad off.