Loving Hearts.

I went out tonight for a friend's birthday party. The experience, like so many parties was very pleasant. Oddly enough, though the height of the evening came from a rather unexpected source. A couple I have come to know announced "officially" (as I already knew) that they were having a kid and that they were getting married.

These two are immensely caring and warm people. Though I have known them for such a short time they have opened their home and their hearts to me and made me feel welcome in their life. I can only imagine that their child will be loved with equal vigor, and that they must have a truly wonderful relationship. I am at once filled with pride and joy, as well as a shameful degree of jealousy.

I want nothing but the best for both of them. They are the caliber of person who really deserve it. However, at my own end I feel jealous that so many around me seem to be either in relationships or beginning to settle down. It makes me recognize my own aloneness. I say it's a shameful kind of jealousy because I'm not actively in control of it. It's something I can't help but feel in the darkest recesses of my mind. It's part of the curse of being so in tune with my emotions that I am forced to recognize and feel that ones that really have no business being felt. I write this down not to garner pity for myself or my station, but to express the honest feelings that I feel. I think that one thing so many people deprive themselves of is the feeling of shame. Some people wallow in it, and others refuse to acknowledge it thinking it makes them somehow less quality people. I feel differently. I feel that it's a valid, albeit bitter emotion that needs to be recognized and analyzed. If we can figure out the reasons behind our shame we can learn more about ourselves.

Although a short post, I feel like I've learned something about myself. What was once anger has been replaced with envy. Envy for those in relationships. Perhaps this means I'm ready.