The Starch Of Being.

When people define admirable qualities in an individual's personality there are certain features that seem generally good. Things like a sense of humour, being compassionate, smart, generous and patient. I've often held myself to these social statues finding it makes me a better person to adhere to them. I have a good sense of humour, often able to offer a quick joke or witty insight into a subject. I have a sort of sixth sense when it comes to dealing with people which gives me a good measure of empathy and sympathy. I'm smart in ways that I think matter in life. I won't be solving any quantum physics equations, but I have a sort of social intelligence. I am a giving person, almost to a fault. It is a matter that often gets me into some degree of trouble at times. And then there's patience.

When I'm at home, I can safely say I have a fair degree of patience. I've had years to hone it dealing with my mother. Tonight was an example where my patience was tested. Over the past year my mother has been steadily gaining weight. It's affected her balance as well as her joints. She is now dealing with knee pain and has trouble standing up, or traversing stairs. I had to help her off the ground where she had slumped to in an effort to get out of a chair. My patience with my friends is almost limitless. It's not tested very often, but when it is I'm able to grin and bear it until the moment passes. On the rare occasion where it does break it's not unlike the bursting of a dam. I don't really have a "mildly angry" stage, I go from calm to furious with no middle step. I don't know if that's entirely healthy or not, but as I breach that wall so infrequently I've found no reason to change.

It's certainly one of the limiting factors in my effort to obtain a significant other. I know I can't tolerate any one person for too long without blowing up in their face, especially someone with whom I would have a closer relationship with. I'm not a violent person, so that's certainly not an issue. I have never struck anyone in my rage, minus the one time I shoved my mother after she made a slip of the tongue and claimed my accident was my fault. I knew she didn't mean it, but you can imagine how that made me feel. I just know that anyone who I end up seeing on a romantic level would have to deal with someone who's had to deal with a lot of frustration in his life. These past two years have taught me a new depth of patience and reserve I never knew I had. When your body is subject to so many sensations at once, as are your emotions you learn how to separate and divide yourself into compartments. It is in some of those compartments where I store my anger, frustration and rage. I have told myself it takes twice as much energy to care half as much. It's why I have down times where I am not very talkative or social. It's sort of like I'm defragmenting my brain so I can sort it out better and more compactly. It's a subconscious process that requires energy from my conscious self.

It's why I'm thankful for one of my medications. It helps to silence the brain and just let things turn into a grey paste that slides down my cerebrum and out into nothingness. I use it at night to get to bed, because without it I don't sleep. I am too busy arranging, worrying, designing, deconstructing, and thinking.

I would hope that those close to me; my friends, family, colleagues and classmates come to understand this facet of me in a quiet and unspoken way. I have a system to my life that works, it gets me from sunrise to sunset in one piece. Whomever I end up with is clearly going to be a very special person.