Call it a curse, call it a boon, but I've got an innate sense when there's negative energy in the air. Part of being emotionally receptive means you often pickup emotional waves that people give off whether they intend to or not. I'm not talking about anything magical or mystical here, just an ability to pick up certain feelings in a room with people in it.
I don't know how much I believe in things like feng shui, or spiritual energy. What I do know is that certain environments or rooms have a feeling about them if you key into them. In general my house has varying degrees of tension and even hostility. It's not overt and it's not oppressive, but it's there. If I had to pick a room in the house that feels the safest and most relaxing it'd have to be my brother Paul's room. I don't know why that is, specifically. Part of it could be his personality has rubbed off on the walls and floor so that when you walk in there you are welcomed by a generally happy feeling. Interestingly enough it's also the room our cat spends most of her time in when she's not out with the family. Read into that what you will.
When I walk into a building the first thing I do is try to pick up a "vibe" about the place. Now mechanically this includes things like lighting, acoustics, decor, etc. I've been to a lot of homes and I'm usually fairly accurate about my feelings of a place. If I feel a setting is tense or hostile, usually the conversations in those rooms follow suit.
Let me give you an example. The other day I was at work, and without any specific cause I felt all tense and anxious while up at cash. I later discovered that there had been a few grumpy customers just before I arrived at the counter. Obviously a good portion of this was reading my fellow employee's faces as well as their body language. I just do those sorts of things naturally and peripherally. I can tell when someone's having an off day or if they're hiding something. I think this is why I've been dubbed as a good listener. I don't just listen to your words, I watch your movements, your gestures, where your eyes go and the way you stand.
It's remarkable when you start to notice these traits in people. Try this with someone. Have a conversation with them about something you both like. Part way through, shift the conversation to a subject you know they're less comfortable with (for any number of reasons) and watch them. You'll see them change and when you can start to read these changes passively you can start to be a really effective communicator. Beyond that you get to where I am which means you don't even need the person there to know something's up. I've walked into my house after school or work and been able to tell that an argument took place. Again, mechanical things like the way a book is sitting on a table, or how the counter top looks can all key me into what's taken place in a given room.
This may actually work against me in the relationship department. The "curse" of this kind of sensitivity is you can't shut it off. You can dull it and attempt to ignore it, but it doesn't go away. When you're dealing with a partner and you're trying to just carry on a nonchalant conversation you can't help but read into every facial tick and hand gesture. Ultimately what started off as a simple conversation about something innocuous turns into a great epic of feeling and revelation. This gets tiring and puts immense stress on a relationship. I'm not content or comfortable to be with someone and not dissect their brain and heart with questions. A lot of people don't want to be examined or scrutinized.
What do you think? Do you like it when people pry and inquire? I often welcome the opportunity for people to ask me questions about myself or what I'm feeling. I'm pretty damn self-aware of my own thoughts and feelings at any given time so I'd be able to answer honestly.
I know this post seems really egocentric, but you know what? I don't care!
John, you function in many ways like Chelsea. She is quite intuitive about feelings, and often reads into body language and moods. I strive to be so self aware, though my own attempts seem to end at "I know I'm feeling something". Identifying it often is useless until I am questioned about it.
ReplyDeleteAs a side note, I love when people are interested enough to ask about what I think, or how I feel. I understand this fascination with others, and am happy to be the target of it. Ask what you will, and I would always answer as honestly as possible.
You've got the Cal Lightman thing! But what you describe, while all right on the mark as far as being a good "communicator" goes, needs to include empathy, and that is either something you have or you don't have. And I'm thinking you have it. And while some days you may be able to dial it down, the switch is often 'on' when you would rather it not be. But other people will certainly appreciate your ability to play themselves back to themselves!! But yeah, it can befrustrating to realize you're doing most of the listening!!
ReplyDeletePrying too far is usually dangerous for obvious reasons.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I find that it is always best to be aloof initially with someone. Personally I do NOT like it when new people pry my feelings, even if for benevolence. I used to like it, but I've just realized all it does is serve to make you seem more fragile, because usually the other person won't open up as much as you do, or they aren't on the intellectual and emotional level you are at, and so you unexpectedly become the "softy". I need to know the person well and I need to know that person knows me well before I get into any heavy conversations.
Once you know someone very well for a long time, you may then get into the real, deeper conversations. I find what works is to just give a person time and eventually you can start having the good stuff.
In the end it's all a matter of timing, situation, and personality.