The Then, The Now.

I'm over at a friends house and he's busy preparing Thanksgiving dinner. Don't worry, your calender is working just fine. It's become something of a tradition for Mark to prepare and host Thanksgiving dinner for the household and even former tennants. Each year it has grown a little bit, adding another person here and there. This year we will be sitting around the fold-away tables sharing warmth, food and laughter.

However, sitting at the table writing I find my mind wandering to one thought in specific. How much of what we're doing now, here in this room is "authentic". What I mean is, are we hosting this "adult" dinner because we feel that in our early to mid twenties this is what people do? I'm finding it difficult to look at myself as an adult. In so many ways I still feel very immature and young. I find myself having the thoughts one could say are immature. Stubborn streaks, irrational anger, moon-eyed lust. Does this change when you get older? Does life get more serious and straightforward? I think about how my Dad raised us. I think due to circumstances he had to be more mature and pragmatic than most other fathers. As a result my view of adulthood was one of bills, appointments, obligations and fitting in fun when you can.

I relish these "grownup" times I spend with my friends. It helps ease the transition from being a young adult to a full grown person. I think if I were left to my own devices, my formation as an adult individual would be entirely guided by the media. I find that even now I try to live up to a standard of human that has been dictated to me by the media. I keep waiting for my steam to run out. That is to say, living life at 11, making sure to go out every night and do things with everyond is going to take its toll on me, I'm sure. I justify it by saying I'm making up for lost time. While I'm sure that's true, I have to really start to recognize that I only lost two years. In the scale of my life that's not much. It's not as much as some people lose due other illnesses. Diabetes shaves years off your life, cancer can take even more. One of my new friends, and easily one of my most personal friends knows that her life will be cut short by her MS. With all of that in consideration I think I should look at those two years as having been a brief pause. Something that gave me the time to consider what I wanted to do next.

I think when I give thanks at dinner tonight I'll try to keep that in mind.