The Well Runneth Dry.

I haven't been posting with the same frequency I first did, and I think I know the reason. At some level there's only so much any one person has to talk about. Aside from running a constant log as to their day to day going-ons, people have realms of subjects that they are comfortable talking about. While I could happily reiterate statements I have made before, I feel obligated to those who read this to maintain fresh and interesting posts. As such I have found myself posting less, that is until something interesting occurs to me and I feel like sharing it.

This does give me a small amount of cause for concern as it makes me feel a bit two dimensional; a character in a movie. I have emotions and personality, but they remain scripted so as to keep me "in character". This doesn't allow me a lot of freedom to talk about things that aren't part of my portfolio. I also feel that I owe a certain degree of discretion in this blog, as my aim is not to out right belittle anyone or anything, but just give an opinion on the matter. There's plenty I'm not 100% content with, but I am by no means a complainer. I don't want this to turn into one of those blogs that are a bank of pessimism and nihilism. Those may have an audience of sorts, but they're so heavy and bleak to write.

I think I'll focus on posting small things that happen to me throughout the day, and see if a full entry spawns from that. I imagine that would work, as I know myself well enough to know I get on rants fairly easily.

For example, I've been doing stockroom work at my job the past two days. Now, I haven't said anything to the management staff yet because it's only been this one week. However if it becomes a frequent task of mine to unload the truck I feel I will have to speak up for the sake of my physical well being. After doing the truck my back and leg were very sore. I could stand and I had to wedge an icepack between my back and the chair in the hopes of numbing my spine which was firing like sparks at a bonfire. The last time I worked at Pier 1 I was often asked to lift and move things heavy along side Andrew, the only other male staff member. While I can understand the angle the managers are coming from - that being it's just faster to get the two strongest people to do the task - I do feel it's sexist to a degree. I am not a physically strong individual. In terms of physical fitness I could do with a lot more conditioning. What I do have going in my favour is I am extremely stubborn (emphasis on extremely) to a point where if there's a minute possibility that I can lift something, then I'll find a way to. I demand a lot out of my body, and in return I haven't been too kind to it. I dealt with sciatica three years ago (a condition that flares up whenever I do something stupid like life an entertainment centre) and that coupled with my impairments from the accident means I often am lifting or moving more than I physically should.

I think a lot of this is about being competitive. I am, by nature a very competitive person. In video games I am a good loser, but I never pull punches. I always play my absolute hardest. It's the same back when I was in track and field. I use to run 1000m track events at top speed as though it was a 100m dash. I remember one such occasion where I destroyed the competition only to "tunnel out" in the last 10 metres, fell over after the finish line and threw up. That's the kind of push I apply to things that I feel are of a competitive nature. It's the same thing with work. When I am asked to do a task, as I'm not accustomed to saying no I make sure that I complete the task quickly and efficiently. As a result my body must take the brunt of my effort. The air conditioner was broken and it was sweltering in the back room. To make matters worse, it was a very hot and muggy day and for reasons I'm not entirely sure about I wore a long sleeved shirt to work. The entire shift people kept coming back and saying how hot it was, and why wasn't I complaining. I smiled because that's the kind of validation I require to know I'm tougher than your average cupcake.

It may stem from some kind of male ego thing, but I think I'd be the same if I were a woman. I'm proud, immensely proud. I don't take criticism well at all, and so if I never give people anything to criticize me about I don't have to face that hurdle. If I am the fastest, smartest, funniest, etc. then there's no room for critique. I know I'm none of those things above, but so long as I'm better than the people who are in a position to judge then I give myself a bit of breathing room. I don't need to be the smartest person in the world, just the smartest guy at work. I don't need to be the best video gamer, just best at the games I play.

I don't think this is anything I need to work on, as it's a source of strength for me. What do you think?