I Don't Think That's What They Meant.

I just finished watching Back to the Future, and it made me think about the strange morales one could possibly glean from movies. So I've decided to compose a brief list of some I think are fun.

Back To The Future: Beating people up will keep your wife hot, make you successful and will turn local bullies into retarded suck ups.

The Matrix: The likelihood that strange shit will occur to you after you don't sleep properly for days and ingest strange pills is very good.

The Prestige: Nikola Tesla was a magician.

Royal Tenenbaums: Owen Wilson is only allowed to drive permitted he is high and the car is a convertible. This results in a happy ending.

Batman The Dark Knight: If we want to achieve the height of an actors career we have to drive him crazy first, and then kill him.

Alien: If you're in the depths of space and you get a distress signal, don't investigate. Instead blow up the mining colony and run.

Terminator: Whatever Linda Hamilton doesn't kill will become governor.

It: Clowns aren't scary, you're just a wuss incapable of being scared of something original, like meteors. That's a legitimate phobia.

The Fountain: If your wife is going to die anyways, guinea pig the potentially magical cure on her first instead of the monkey.

Blazing Saddles: Mel Brooks is likely to give up on a film in the last ten minutes.

Road To El Dorado: Lie to natives. It will result in sex, wealth and adoration.

Baz Luhrman's Romeo and Juliet: Pete Postlethwaite is fucking awesome.

Franco Zeffirelli's Romeo and Juliet: Juliet from '68 was hot.

The Fifth Element: Casting Milla Jovovich as herself always makes a mediocre plot entirely bearable.

The Resident Evil Trilogy: See above.

The Da Vinci Code: If you spend enough time confusing the audience with wikipedia-grade information, they won't notice sub-par acting and ridiculous haircuts.

Pi: If you're worried you're too smart you can solve this matter with a power drill to the temple. Evidently this makes you happier.

Moon: If you bump into yourself while alone on the Moon, attempt to solve the matter by arguing with Kevin Spacey as played by Microsoft Sam.

The Ghost Writer: Having an excellent script, superior acting and fantastic atmosphere will not save you from obscurity.

Paranormal Activity: If you hear noises in your house at night, burn it down and move to Nepal, it's just safer.

Neon Genesis Evangelion The Complete Series: Convincing yourself you understand every facet of this movie is like convincing yourself you know exactly how the teleporters work in Star Trek. You may understand all of the theories surrounding it, but as soon as you put them together you end up with an inside-out goat.

Jurassic Park: Playing God is a bad idea because Jeff Goldblum said so.

The Nightmare Before Christmas: Terrifying children and desecrating a holiday will make you famous with pre-teen goths and Helena Bonham Carter.

Blow: Movies with Johnny Depp that don't involve Tim Burton or drug induced visuals can still be awesome.

Crash: We're all horribly racist.

Zombieland: Two things will survive the apocalypse; wit and Twinkies.

The Last Airbender: No matter how large the fan base, how seasoned the director, how great the funding, how astonishing the visuals you can still fuck up.

Memoirs of a Geisha: Comments such as "The book was better" are irrelevant if you don't read and think Ziyi Zhang and Michelle Yeoh are brilliant.

Watchmen: To be friends with a god-being you must be comfortable with blue nudity.

It's 4:20, there's no way all of those are as funny as I find them to be at this moment.