Ill Intent.

Words and ideas are dangerous weapons, especially when wielded carelessly and without thought as to their consequence. I talked with a friend of mine who was hurt by one my previous posts about not wanting female friends. She is, as you guess it a woman. I've tried to clear up with her that a lot of this blog is not self edited or censored. It's not really a legitimate excuse for hurting people's feelings, though. I attempted to explain to her the origins of that post, and where she falls (or rather, doesn't fall) within its explanation. I haven't heard back yet, but I hope she understands. No blog is worth a friendship.

People say things inadvertently at times that act as a sort of emotional currency. With this currency they can serve to blackmail others around them without any realization that they're doing it. Comments laden with a certain emotional weight serve only to obligate those around you into not setting you off. It's often not so much the statement itself, but rather the setting in which it's delivered. If you're sitting around joking with friends, and decide this is the moment to let everyone know you have cancer, that can come across very awkwardly. People then feel obligated to act a different way around you as a result of your statement. This isn't to say you're not totally allowed to confess these situations in a more appropriate setting, but doing differently calls attention to yourself and seems like you're fishing for pity. Another example would be if you were to just blurt out, "Well I hate men because I was raped." I'm not sure how people are suppose to respond to that. Obviously sympathy is due, but the nature of sympathy is that it's to be offered not asked for.

I will admit I sometimes fall into this state when referencing my leg and accident, but I always feel guilty for doing so and try to catch myself. This is why I've made the attempts I have to go to the gym and physiotherapy. I don't want my limp to get bad enough that I would have to go back to a cane. I don't require sympathy, and certainly not pity. Understanding is better.

Back to what I was saying though. This blog may serve to upset people at times, and while I don't intend to censor myself I do hope that readers take into account that this is first and foremost a diary. It is the channel in which I funnel my feelings into prose. These are all just feelings, and often have little concrete basis to them. Sort of like finding an underage girl attractive. It's okay to think it, just don't do anything illegal. Okay, bad analogy. The point is that while these thoughts make up who I am, they certainly don't depict how I function on a day to day basis. I imagine they come across fairly angry and misogynistic at times. Not intended at all, but inevitably my frustrations at a lack of relationship form into some pretty nasty ideas.

I feel as though I'm making excuses for my writing, and I really don't feel I should. I trust and love my friends and hope they will take this in stride. Like I mentioned at the start of my post, they are far more important that this blog is, and if I ever had to choose, the choice would be simple.

On a lighter note, I had a good day today. My hat is still missing but I had a few beers, some coffee and two great sandwiches. I find that in social settings I am prone to talk a lot. I don't need to be the centre of attention, but rather enjoy chiming in with what I hope are funny quips or commentaries. Quiet people weird me out a bit. I need to know what people are thinking and as I can't mind read, it makes it very hard when people clam up. Me, on the other hand I talk constantly and there's rarely a thought that enters my head that doesn't exit my mouth. This may come across to a more conservative minded individual as excessive and annoying, but until I get my block knocked off as a result I see no harm.

One day I may be on the radio and I'll be getting paid to talk. How sweet is that?