Onerous.

I cook supper for my family most days. It's become something I actually look forward to. The one thing about it, however that I find to be very frustrating is trying to coordinate supper with my older brother. His job keeps him at work until 5:30 pm, which is roughly the time my dad wants to eat. As a result he is often excluded from suppers. He feels as though he's being purposely left out for some reason. While it's certainly not conscious, I think there may be some truth to this fear.

He's been seeing his current girlfriend for nearly two years now. He spends about half the week at her place, and the other half with us. Combined with his job and his social life we generally don't see a lot of him around the house. Therefore it's natural to assume when we plan something that he won't be included. He's offended by this, though. He feels like we should still ask him, or call him on his cell to see what he's up to. Personally I think this is a bit bogus. It does not serve us any to call him each and every time we plan something, only to have him decline all the time. If he wants to be included in things we do as a family, then it's up to him to contact us and let us know he's free.

When I moved out the first time, I relished the idea that I was now on my own schedule. I liked that I could come and go as I pleased, and that the only person I had to worry about was me. This is probably one of many reasons why my first relationship failed. That aside, I enjoyed the freedom. I never expected my family to keep me up to date on their day to day habits, just in case I should feel inclined to join them. On the contrary, my father would actually insist upon seeing me for weekly dinners/lunches to keep in touch. I love my family, there's no question about that, however sometimes I prefer to be alone and on my own time.

I think because my brother still technically lives at home, he feels like he's part of the family directly. What he needs to learn is that at his age and with his career, he's in a position to move out and experience life first hand. I think once he does, he'll be hooked. Living at home, arguing rather extensively with my father about this and that I can only assume he's not really happy here. He's not bitter, but he's really feeling antsy. I have a feeling his relationship is what's giving him pause about his living arrangements. I think he wants to move in with his girlfriend, but isn't quite sure where that would lead. All in all he's got some hesitations that need to be leaped into head first if he plans on moving forward at all.

He also said something the other day that really hurt my feelings, but I don't think he's aware of it. My skin condition can leave a bit of a mess, what with skin flakes and all. As a survival technique I've had to overlook it sometimes, as it's been impossible to keep up with. I napped on the sofa the other day, and must have stumbled into my real bed without taking the time to vacuum. He and I were sitting near the sofa when he looked over at me and said, "John can you vacuum up, it's disgusting." Whether he intended it or not it really set me back a few months. If my own brother's thinking that my condition is disgusting, then it really gives me an insight into other people's minds. I'm not cancelling college or anything, but it does confirm some fears I've got about the nature of my condition and how people react to it, if not verbally.

I wanted to be angry with him, and I wanted to flip out and scream at him, but I didn't. I even tried to get upset about it and cry or something, but it didn't happen. It seems like I've finally become numb to my situation and verbal insults really don't carry the weight they might have once had. This isn't to say I'm not upset with him for saying it, but it's more of an intellectual malcontent rather than an emotional one.

I read a little speech for my dad at his retirement party yesterday and it got me choked up, surprisingly. I had to stop for a few seconds so as to not burst into tears of pride. I think that means my emotional system is still up and running, it's just a bit more fine tuned, perhaps.

There's a difference between not being able to cry, and knowing when to cry. In these past two years I've come to learn both.