The Borne Reminder.

An elephant never forgets. I hope they don't get into too many relationships, because that would be some serious baggage.

I think a vital skill is the ability to actively (willingly) forget things that are harmful. Our bodies do this naturally when something traumatic happens. Often this can surface in the form of repressed memories, but when it doesn't it's like your brain took the situation and didn't even bother to file it away. I know how this works, as I remember nothing about my actual accident. Sure I remember entering the intersection and I remember the paramedics afterwards, but I don't remember hitting the car. Thank goodness my brain chose to forget that little detail.

I just wish I could do that at will. There was a relationship I was in (and let's be honest with one another, it was the only relationship I've ever been in) that still haunts me to this day like the sound of gunfire, or the smell of burnt plastic. The experience is woefully etched into my mind, and it takes the simplest provocation to cause me to remember her. I wish I didn't, I really do. That's not to say there weren't good times, obviously. If you live with anyone long enough you're going to have a few good times, however that makes it worse. When you're low you convince yourself that there were only good times, and it's hard to conjure up the filth.

The whole situation has made me quite distasteful of relationships. What's the saying, "The first cut is the deepest"? Well, forgoing any 'emotarian' connotations there is some truth to that fact I'm sure. Regardless of that platitude, I look at relationships disdainfully in a mix of jealousy and outright anger. Certain unavoidable situations have left me far from the realm of poster boy bachelor. I mean, I never was really the type of guy that women flocked to for companionship, or if they did it was always that most contemptible of ranks, "the friend". No offence, women, but if I wanted female friends I'd...well I can't really finish that sentence, to be honest. I don't want female friends, I never have. Guys would always rumour that being the "shoulder to cry on" put you in a position to "move in for the kill".

Let me set the record straight.

Being the "shoulder to cry on" means you get 100% of the crap that her boyfriend is CLEARLY not dealing with. Let me meet the lucky fucker who's on the other end of that exchange because he's clearly on the winning team. No, being that guy is pretty terrible. At least if you were gay you could deal with that, and go home to your boyfriend, but to be straight and be that sap, you're really quite pathetic.

I should know I've been there so many times I should rent my shoulder out to soggy-eyed girlfriends.

Would I say I'm misogynistic? Not really, that implies a total repulsion of women, which I don't have. I'm still attracted to the "idea" of women, I just don't really want to have a specific relationship with one.

Now I can hear you thinking, "This is just a case of sour grapes. If he had a girlfriend, he'd be singing a different song." Okay, I'll admit there's some serious sour grapes going on here, but I will add that I'm smart enough to understand women in a way I think a lot of guys have chosen to ignore.

Women require a lot of maintenance. Now I don't mean that in a bad way, but let's look at the facts. There's makeup, hair, shoes, clothes, jewelry, "personal hygiene" products, physiological concerns, and weight all as daily concerns for women. It's so natural to them that a lot of the time they don't even notice how much work they have to do just to exist. I, for one don't really feel up to coping with a creature that requires that much micromanaging. I'd feel slothish, plain in comparison, so inadequate of an individual in my minor ablutions. It's really rather dizzying watching a woman prepare for the day.

And it's frustrating, too. What takes me minutes can take them hours. Obviously I'm being general here, but even when done up to the nines, a guy can get himself together in a fraction the time.

Now as men we appreciate when women go this extra step to make themselves all pretty, but really it feels a bit like dating an idea, and the more you start to peel away all the layers of that idea, you're left with a person. Just a person, and you'd better be prepared to embrace that person, otherwise all you're left with is a pile of ideas you fell in love with.

And there's where I'm stuck. I am too caught up in what I think a person should be (myself included) that if I were to be presented with a flawed, stripped down person as a partner, I'd feel like I was looking behind the stages of a magic show. I like the smoke and mirrors, I like the pomp and circumstance.

I suppose I should work on that.